[Nicholas Bell] It was cold outside. True and proper Christmas weather. But Nick Bell had not actually been outside since about 5:00 am this morning. He'd had office hours all day, fielding questions and offering assistance to students who would soon be taking exams and turning in their final essays. Many of these students were people who he'd barely seen all semester, and were only just now attempting to catch up to a passing grade in his course. That was to be expected though, and he weathered the sudden influx of tutoring work without much complaint.
It was now about 2:00 pm, and he'd missed his usual lunch hour. Having not eaten since the very small breakfast he'd had at 4:30, the blond TA was feeling a little light headed and woozy, and he'd finally snatched an opportunity to take a break from his students. He was presently sitting in an old, beaten leather chair in the corner of the TA's lounge in the Sociology building, legs tucked into his chest. His eyes were closed, and his head leaned against an upturned palm - as if he might simply take a nap there (and he certainly wouldn't be the first person to do so.)
He'd called Ethan to see if he wanted to get lunch. Ethan was busy with work, so he'd tried Jarod instead, who was now on his way to take them somewhere as-yet-undetermined.
[Vanessa Novotny] Ashley has not weathered a sudden influx of tutoring with as much grace as Nick has. She can't throw students out when they appear for her office hours after she hasn't seen them since September, but the Look she has given some of them has seemed to be just short of telling them not to even show up for the final. Still, if they showed even a modicum of caring she would usually take the time to provide them with what they needed.
She has a slightly glazed look when she wanders into the TA lounge. She hasn't eaten since the very early hours of the morning either - and she's usually not up then - and for Ashley this seems like an eternity. It feels as though her stomach has coiled itself into a loop, end over end devouring itself, which, she supposes, is fitting.
She's planning to go for lunch, though her hours are finally over; tomorrow will be a longer day in the office. Today is for grading essays, once she goes home. She could have just left directly, but she keeps an emergency cache of apples in the refrigerator in the lounge. She wanders over to take one out, biting into it and glancing over at Nick once she notices him.
At the moment, his presence reminds her of the argument last week, and the fact that she hasn't received a call back yet (if she's going to at all.) There's a minute tightening of the skin at the corner of one of her eyes, a wince, before she bites into the apple and wanders over to one of the other leather chairs. "Hey Nick," she tells him, once she's swallowed the piece of apple.
[Nicholas Bell] At some point, someone else entered the lounge, but Nick didn't open his eyes until Vanessa's familiar voice drew him out of his daydream. Cinnamon eyelashes fluttered, and sky-blue eyes widened a moment as they attempted to attain focus. Then he looked at his fellow grad student and smiled in a tired but genuine sort of way. He made a noncommittal sound in the back of his throat, as if actually speaking was too much trouble.
But, eventually, he did speak. "Hey Vanessa. How's your day going?"
It didn't take a genius to figure out that she was probably just as tired and hungry as he was. Nick yawned and stretched, letting his feet slide back to the ground and his arms reach up to touch the wall behind him. It was easy to see why Jarod may have been attracted to him at one point. Even tired and stressed, the man was almost unbearably cute.
At some point the smell of her apple wafted over to him, and Nick affected an expression of tortured desire. "Oh God, you're making me even hungrier. I didn't think that was possible."
[Vanessa Novotny] Ashley typically doesn't offer food to other people. Alcohol is the exception, and sometimes she's all right with sharing if, say, someone comes over and is willing to help cook, but someone taking something that is hers is typically met with aggression. So if he knew her, it would probably be a little surprising that she glances toward him and says, "Do you want one? I have a couple more in the refrigerator."
Of course, it's the end of the semester, and she probably isn't going to eat all of them before break starts; it's fewer that she'll have to carry away. Maybe it's just that she's feeling tired because of more than her classes, at the moment, run down and exhausted. The fight with Jarod has affected her more than she wants to admit, particularly since there's also been trouble with Emily and since Kage has been busy this fall, Israel out of town. Ashley's real friends are few.
Tonight is the solstice, and it is a particularly unusual solstice in that there's a full moon tonight and a lunar eclipse. The night couldn't get darker. In the old days, eclipses were explained away by monsters: Jormungandr left the roots of the World Tree long enough to coil about and swallow it, or some great wolf devoured it whole. It's a night for Hunger, but tonight at Israel's request for assistance with a Wonder, she'll be doing her best to summon hope instead.
So her thoughts aren't precisely on what's around her right now. There's usually a pensive, troubled air that hangs about her, and it's heavy right now. "It's been a long day," she tells him, stretching back and draping an arm over the back of her chair. A wave of her hand. "Week. Whatever. Ten students appear to have had conveniently timed family deaths. How's yours?"
[Nicholas Bell] "You are a life-saver," he responded with gratitude as he got up and went to fetch one of the spare apples from the fridge. It wasn't enough to constitute a meal, but at the very least it would tide him over until Jarod got there. In the back of his head, Nick imagined the older man sweeping in with an arm-full of delicious, expensive food from some restaurant he could never afford on his own salary. And maybe a bottle of wine. And some Excedrin. (Could you take that with alcohol?) This was the kind of thing that people tended to hope for when they were tired and hungry and stressed - to have someone else take care of them for a little while, even if just in some small way.
Ethan used to be the source of those fantasies. Lately... less so. This bothered Nick a little, but mostly he tried not to think about it.
He bit into the apple, and it was cold (not his preference, but he hardly cared right now) and juicy and somehow tasted better than any of the other apples he'd had all week. The crisp flesh crunched between his teeth, and he absently licked the juice from his lips before continuing. Walking back to the chair, he plopped into it unceremoniously. "Seriously, thank you. I'd offer to blow you, but I'd have no idea how to navigate girl-parts."
Nick was not like Jarod. He'd never been interested in girls, apart from occasional flirting. He'd kissed a couple in high school, and it hadn't been unpleasant, really... but there wasn't anything there. He'd never slept with a woman, and wasn't likely to attempt it. The fact that Jarod did (and clearly enjoyed doing so) had always somewhat perplexed him.
"I don't usually get too much of that. By the end of the semester most of my students have figured out that I'm a pretty reasonable person, so they're honest with me. Or maybe I'm just a pushover and they know it." He chuckled a bit, wryly.
[Vanessa Novotny] She takes another bite, and her gaze wanders off while Nick goes to get one of the spare apples from the fridge. It would be a lie to say that she, too, doesn't occasionally fantasize about being taken care of - she's human - but it's something she doesn't really allow for herself (she let Kage do it - just once), and so she never entertains those thoughts long to begin with. It's not what she's thinking about right now.
Her eyes had fixed on some nonspecific point in space, but they return to Nick's face when he thanks her. There's a wry smile that tugs on one corner of her mouth. "That's just as well. Asking you to owe me food when I need it is more my style anyway, and the last thing my personal life needs is more chaos."
She takes another bite of her apple, eying him while he describes himself as reasonable or a pushover. Ashley probably wouldn't describe herself as reasonable, if asked. Reasonable people don't demand that reality bend to their Will, and she's at least honest enough to know that.
"It doesn't bother me. I find there's a correlation between the ones that come up with surprise excuses and the ones that are failing the class and hoping to somehow work miracles on the final."
[Nicholas Bell] [Personal life? Chaos? Do I sense drama? Empathy!]
Dice Rolled:[ 7 d10 ] 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 8 (Success x 3 at target 6)
[Vanessa Novotny] Nick's drama-sense is tingling. Vanessa here has been very closed off about her personal life, but now that she mentions it, she's seemed pretty down for most of the semester, or at least (even) more reticent than usual. She doesn't seem like she sleeps very much, and right now there is certainly something bothering her. She has the sort of exhaustion about her that follows people in high-responsibility jobs, and she seems good at hiding it.
Maybe it's some kind of family trouble in addition to...whatever else. It's hard to know without more information. But he might have seen the wince earlier or noticed that something about his presence makes her uncomfortable. It doesn't seem to be anything to do with him - so perhaps he can extrapolate that it's something to do with Jarod.
to Nicholas Bell
[Nicholas Bell] Ashley (Vanessa) mentioned that the last thing her personal life needed was more chaos, and Nick... noticed this. Because he was an empathetic person, and also because these types of personal stories were inevitably more dramatic and interesting than thinking about how he was going to manage to squeeze in enough time to finish the 30-page research paper that was due in one of his own classes. He watched Ashley for a moment after she said this, the look on his face gently curious.
He didn't know whether her anxiety was caused by Jarod or someone else. He really had no way of knowing much of anything about her life at all. Vanessa had always been fairly closed-mouth about her personal life, apart from the afternoon where they'd playfully commiserated about their shared acquaintance. However, Nick had enough of his own Jarod-related drama to understand that it was, at least, a plausible possibility.
"Sounds like you've had a rough semester," he offered sympathetically. "Anything you want to talk about? I've... had more than my fair share of personal chaos, so no judgments."
[Vanessa Novotny] Ashley, typically, is not too inclined to talk about things that are bothering her. It feels too much like help, and it feels too much like giving people things they don't have to work for and might be inclined to use later. It feels too much like something she shouldn't get used to, for a number of reasons. For a while she'd been doing better; in overcoming her Jhor it was necessary for her to learn how to develop connections with the other people around her. This summer was unusual and, for a month or two, it was the happiest she can remember being for a long time.
So of course there's been a bit of a backslide, but she's started to realize, now, that she is regressing and it's because she's afraid. Ashley hates to be afraid of anything.
That part of her personality must be necessarily muted around Nick, and she can't really unload on him even should she desire to, but they do have an acquaintance in common. And the fight with said acquaintance might not be everything that's weighing on her right now, but it certainly accounts for a large portion of it.
"Oh, it's just been..." She trails off, sighs, and rubs the side of her face. "My mother and the woman I was seeing over the summer both died, actually. And I had a fight with a friend of mine last month and Jarod last week, my best friend's been out of town a lot...it's just kind of, you know." In all likelihood Nick in fact does not know, but Ashley is, at least, aware that most people are more sensitive to the states of others (or have more ability to empathize without projecting a personal experience.)
"Jarod was being kind of...I don't know, affectionate I guess, asked what I wanted for Christmas, and then he started asking me for something he wanted. I had an ex that used to do that to people to get what he wanted and they have a lot of things in common, so I overreacted and said something I didn't mean." She looks over at Nick and shrugs. "I meant to apologize, but he hasn't returned my call or anything." A beat. "I'll get over it. It just hasn't been a great year."
[Nicholas Bell] Ashley may have been truncating her story a bit (in some cases, more than a bit - and by necessity, since Nick was a Sleeper,) but from an outsider's perspective, it still sounded like a hell of a lot to deal with. Nick was lucky in some ways. His parents were divorced, but they were both alive and healthy. He'd never lost a significant other in that way. In fact, the closest person in his life to have died was his paternal grandmother - a sad loss, as he'd been extremely fond of her, but one expected to lose grandparents eventually. That was the way of life. The thought of losing both a parent and a lover in the same summer seemed almost inconceivably traumatic, to him. The expression on his face when she said this was of sadness and empathy, but he didn't interrupt her to offer condolences. He just let her keep talking.
While Vanessa's fight with Jarod was certainly not the worst thing she'd had to deal with this year, it seemed apparent that it was, at least, the most recent concern, and that it had been stressful enough to cause her to drop her guard and relate the issue to someone who might very well have been more concerned with Jarod's well-being than with hers. Nick was a little surprised to hear that Jarod had been spending any amount of consistent time with Vanessa, but this was something he kept to himself. It was, after all, not really any of his business. When she was done speaking, he took a moment to think through what had been said, because for all that he could be an extremely emotional person, Nick was also thoughtful - and he wanted very much to give a thoughtful response right now.
Though he did wonder, in the back of his mind, what Vanessa could possibly have said to make Jarod that upset.
"That's... horrible. I'm really sorry. I wish I'd known..." (but really, what could he have done that would have made it any better for her?) Perhaps he might have said more, but Nick had gotten the sense that Vanessa, like Jarod, might not be the sort of person who wanted excessive amounts of sympathy when she was upset. So he let it go there, but it was clear that he felt bad.
"Jarod is, well..." Nick considered for a moment how to phrase this. "He can be a little manipulative, so I understand why you might have gotten upset. I don't know if this helps at all, but from what I've learned, he's a lot more subtle when he really means it. Rather, I guess... if he wants something from you, and he's trying to orchestrate things to get what he wants... you're probably not going to know that he's doing it. If it seems obvious, then it's more likely that he's either being a dick for its own sake, or just... playing around. I mean, he has to play the social game all the time with so many people, you know? I think he forgets sometimes that not everyone wants to play."
A beat, as he looked down thoughtfully at the partially-eaten apple in his hand. He wasn't quite so ravenous for it anymore.
"I'm sorry. I wish I could give you some great insight. He's a confusing person, sometimes, even for me. But I do know what he's like when he gets angry, so I'm not really surprised he hasn't called you back. We had a big fight once, and didn't talk for like... 9 months. But, well... that wasn't just him."
[Vanessa Novotny] It's clear by the way she's watching him that she does not want sympathy; she told him what she told him to provide context, not because she was expecting a hug and soothing words. Because it's true: there's really nothing he can tell her that would make it better, or bring anyone back or magic away the problems she'd had with her mother that will go unresolved, now. She bites into her apple and levels a stare at him while he expresses his sympathies.
Some people might look at that expression and wonder if she was being honest about what happened, or if she just made it up for...who knows what reasons. Except that a liar would be more likely to play up the sympathy, to act in the opposite manner. If Nick is put off by the manner in which she expresses loss, he wouldn't be the first person.
"I don't really talk about it," she tells him, when he says he's sorry. "I don't want people to treat me differently just because."
She doesn't want to be coddled. Or maybe it's just more difficult to have someone know and to get no response whatsoever, to have one's suffering ignored. Maybe it's a bit of both. In any case, she tilts her head a little in the manner she has so that he's in full view of her right eye while she listens to him talk about Jarod. She hasn't taken another bite from her apple either.
"Yeah," she says after a moment, glancing down at the half-eaten apple. "I kind of...I figured that, after I talked to one of my friends. Which, I guess, just makes me an asshole. I said what I said because I figured he didn't care and I already kind of had it in my head that he didn't, and I was okay with that, but..." She shrugs, lifts the apple, and takes another bite.
"I don't need a lot of insight. I mean, he'll either hear me out or he won't." A lift of the corner of her mouth, a smirk with a bitter edge. "At least if something goes wrong this time I can definitively say it was because I fucked up."
[Nicholas Bell] Ashley (Vanessa) had a markedly different outlook on herself and the world around her than Nick did, and though it was probable that he did indeed find her manner both harsh and cold at times, this was not something that he was entirely inexperienced with (Jarod could also be both cold and harsh - and had been, not just around him but to him,) and he didn't attempt to call her out on it. Even had he wanted to, it was pretty clear that she was already feeling bad enough without any outside intervention.
But she'd said that she thought that Jarod didn't care, and this was something that Nick felt more comfortable addressing, because he'd wondered the same thing, once upon a time. "... He's not a bad guy, you know. I think he'd like for people to think that he is, and sometimes - ok, no, a lot of the time - he can be an unbearable asshole, but he's actually not half as awful as he seems. This is a rough time of year for him, and... I don't know. I think he's been kind of depressed. Not that, you know... he'd ever say so. I should shut up though." He smirked a little. "He'd be mad at me for even suggesting that."
And speaking of the devil...
The sound of gentle vibration emanated from the pocket of Nick's jeans, and he reached in and pulled out his blackberry. The text was from Jarod. I'm here.
Normally at this point, Nick would text back that he was on his way. Instead, he glanced up at Ashley, then back at his phone and typed: I'm in the lounge. Can you come up?
There was a lull as he waited for a response, and during this time he set the phone down and smiled apologetically. "Sorry about that. My ride's here. He was just asking where I was." And then another buzz from the blackberry. Nick glanced at it, seemed satisfied, and tucked the thing back into his jeans.
[Vanessa Novotny] Ashley is oblivious to the texts being exchanged, and takes Nick's word for it when he says that he's talking to his ride. She doesn't suspect anyone would do something as sneaky as invite Jarod up here when they've been talking about them, though this is because it would never occur to Ashley herself to do anything this sneaky. It's always a little bewildering to her when other people act outside the range of behavior she herself is capable of or wants. She can never imagine why they do it.
She nibbles at the edge of the apple, letting out a sigh when Nick says that Jarod's not a bad guy, that he wants people to think he is, because that's a behavior she can understand all too well. "I know he's not that bad," she says. "Things just...freak me out more right now than they usually would, I guess."
Which is quite an admission, one she's only comfortable making right now because they've been talking and she's been more open with Nick than she is with most people, especially Sleepers. He knows the extent of what Justin knows, and Ashley has known Justin for much longer. (Justin keeps insisting that she see a therapist, and she's begun to regret telling him anything at all.)
"Aren't you going to go meet him?"
[Nicholas Bell] There was a moment there, after Vanessa asked why Nick hadn't left to go meet his ride, when he had to make a choice about whether he wanted to be honest with her. Nick wasn't half so manipulative as Jarod could be, but he wasn't a stranger to it. This certainly wouldn't be the first time he'd tricked Jarod into doing something, though he usually tried to avoid it these days, since doing so inevitably resulted in an icy backlash. In fact, a part of him already worried if perhaps he'd jumped too quickly into a situation he really knew very little about. But it was too late to change his mind now.
He didn't answer Vanessa right away. When he did, he said, "I thought maybe the two of you would want to talk."
He didn't actually say that it was Jarod... but at that point, he wouldn't really need to. Especially not when the sound of footsteps announced the Verbena's presence, and a moment later Ashley would feel the familiar notes of winter and intoxicating sensuality that marked his resonance.
The footsteps stopped midway down the hall. (There was a fair bet he'd felt her too.)
A moment later, they resumed, and Jarod appeared in the open doorway. He glanced at Ashley once, with an expression that seemed devoid of emotion. He didn't say hello. Instead he looked pointedly at Nick and said, "Are you coming?"
[Vanessa Novotny] Nick thought maybe they'd want to talk. Ashley's eyes drift closed for a few seconds. Because while she has said that she is willing to talk - she did, after all, leave Jarod a message on his voice mail - she's relatively certain that the sentiment does not extend to the Verbena at this point in time. She suspects, in fact, that this is going to make it worse. "I don't think he's going to be in the mood," she says, perhaps realizing that if he was, he would have called her by now. She gets up and tosses her apple toward the trash can.
His resonance hits her like a gust of winter along the back of her neck, and her eyes pop back open as she shoots a look over her shoulder toward the door of the lounge. For a moment she wonders whether he's going to come into the room at all, or whether he'll just wait there for Nick.
Ashley's expression says that she did not put Nick up to this (even if he would suspect such a thing from her anyway); there's a glance from the Verbena to the young man, and when Jarod doesn't say hello at all, her brows draw together. But she isn't the type who just ignores people she knows, even if she were disinclined to apologize, even if she herself were still angry. "Hi, Jarod," she says after a second that seems, to her, to drag out, but nothing else.
[Nicholas Bell] Of course, Nick knew full well that Jarod wasn't going to want to talk. What he hadn't mentioned to Vanessa (what she was probably wondering herself) was that there was a fair chance that Jarod might not want to talk to her again for a long time. Or... at all. Jarod had cut off contact with people for lesser violations than the one that she'd committed. He was rather prone to it, in fact.
And for whatever reason, Nick felt bad - for both of them. So he was going to at least try to get these two very stubborn, prideful people to have a damn conversation with each other. When Jarod asked if he was coming, Nick stood up, but not to leave with him. The two men looked at each other, and there was a subtle kind of wounded anger in Jarod's expression, as if to say: you are consorting with the enemy, and I don't appreciate it. In response, Nick's eyes softened to something gentle and pleading.
Ashley said hello. Jarod took a breath and looked at her again. "Hi." His voice was short, clipped, and cold.
There was another pause, and then Nick sighed and said, "Would you please listen to her? This is..." he almost said this is silly, but checked himself. "This isn't something that you want to leave hanging over the holidays. Whatever happened. And... if it's still not okay, then it's not okay, but at least you'll know she gave a shit."
Jarod flared his nostrils and let out a tight breath. He didn't say anything, but he also didn't leave. There was a time when he'd have simply added Nick to his list of people who weren't worth talking to, after a stunt like this, but that time had evidently passed. Perhaps it was a sign that Jarod had changed. Or maybe just that his feelings for Nick had changed.
After Nick felt assured that Jarod was not going to walk away, he brushed past him and walked down the hall and around the corner, into his office. Leaving the two of them alone.
At this point, Jarod stepped fully into the room and closed the door. Then he crossed his arms and looked at Ashley expectantly. "So what do you want to say?"
[Vanessa Novotny] Would you please listen to her? Nick asks, and Ashley's eyes roll toward the ceiling again. Jarod is becoming oddly acquainted with that look of utter mortification, which actually isn't one that she wears all that often. Then again, her relationships generally aren't complicated enough to result in situations in which she is so blatantly uncomfortable.
The look she gives Nick once he finishes speaking suggests that she might yell at him too, once she sees him again. It's probably a lucky thing that she won't see him again until after the winter break is over.
She's a little surprised, all told, when Jarod doesn't just walk away. And when Nick walks out and Jarod shuts the door, Ashley sighs and reaches a hand around to the short hair at the back of her neck, tugging at it for a few seconds. It takes her a moment before she remembers to look at him. (Eye contact - it was a thing her father had to train into her as a child, as a matter of fact.)
"I wanted to apologize," she says. "Because I didn't even mean what I said, and you didn't deserve it. And I know that if you'd said that to me, it would've..." A beat. She doesn't say it would've hurt, but "...It would've been bad."
She sighs and lowers her hand, and after a moment folds her arms across her chest. "I'm not trying to make excuses, but Bran used to do shit like what I thought you were doing. When we were in Ukraine he made friends with this cabal of kids and talked them into bombing a Technocratic post. It got them killed. We got back and he started telling his mentor that Justine and I would follow him no matter what, because he had a superior Will. He told me he was just saying it to impress Hannibal, but..." A shrug. "I wasn't going to believe him, at that point."
It's not really an easy thing to talk about, even in summary as this clearly is - mostly because she's aware that if he's still angry and that if Nick is wrong, she's giving him something. But, clearly, she's decided to do it anyway. "So I thought...it was something like that. And I'm pretty sure I was wrong."
[Jarod Nightingale] Nick was likely to receive some backfire for this situation, from both parties - the inevitable result of meddling in the affairs of people who really didn't like to be meddled with. But for all that, he'd gotten what he'd wanted - at least so far. Ashley was talking. Jarod was listening.
He stood motionless while she spoke, eyes trained on her in a steady, unyielding manner that probably didn't do much to soothe her nerves. When she was done, he glanced down briefly - perhaps collecting his thoughts.
It was difficult for someone like Jarod to respond to these situations with anything but stony silence, because there was very little that he could say that would not be either a lie or a vulnerability. And in truth, it made him angry when people were capable of making him upset. It diminished his own opinion of himself, because other people simply were not worth that kind of investment. This was the sort of conversation that would have been asking a lot of him, even were it someone he truly, genuinely cared for. Ashley... well, he didn't really know how he felt about her. Certainly not now.
"You were wrong." He looked up again. "But not entirely. Many relationships begin because they are mutually beneficial. People use each other all the time. And you, I think... used me a great deal more than I used you." He stated this very matter-of-factly, and lofted his eyebrows pointedly at the end. Even if she regretted what she'd said to him, that didn't make it entirely untrue. She had gotten what she'd wanted out of him. "But selfish motivations don't cancel out unselfish ones. People... are more complicated than that. I wanted to see you. I wanted to know if you wanted anything for Christmas. I also wanted to know if I could use your library. It really was just... that simple."
And that was all the explanation that she was going to get, on that matter. It was more than most people would have gotten, frankly.
"Bran's an asshole. I'm not him. Clearly, because I'm much better looking." That... may have been a joke. He'd said it dead-pan, but there was a self-consciously cocky shift in his expression.
But the moment of levity passed quickly.
"But I'm not really sure why you care, frankly. Like you said, you already got what you wanted."
[Vanessa Novotny] This conversation isn't any easier for Ashley, who typically does not apologize to other people at all. When she does, a simple 'sorry' usually suffices, and people are generally happy to have gotten that much out of her. This - it's a long, protracted thing, and he has more questions and it's clear that his forgiveness isn't just given to her because she said a few words.
He says she used him and her eyes close, after a moment. Because it isn't entirely untrue, and ordinarily she wouldn't even have trouble admitting to that. "I wanted to learn what you wanted to teach," she says, "but if it was just about getting what I wanted from you, I would've chosen another way." There's a pause, a wry smile even though her gaze is, for a moment, sliding somewhere over his shoulder. "I actually was thinking about letting you use a part of it, which is why I showed it to you. It's just that once you asked it was...I thought maybe I'd been set up."
Her eyes find his again, and it's clear that she realizes that this was not the most sensible conclusion she's jumped to. "But I never had any intention of just taking."
Her eyebrows lift at his joke, though she isn't relaxed enough to offer a smile forth. They're rare, for her, and so is laughter; there's always something retreating about it when it's genuine, there and gone again.
"Does it matter why I care? I do, or I wouldn't be talking to you right now." A beat. "I know I fucked up. If you're still pissed it is what it is, but I didn't want you to think that I meant what I said. Or that I don't care, or that I was just using you."
[Jarod Nightingale] [Subterfuge]
Dice Rolled:[ 6 d10 ] 3, 6, 7, 7, 8, 10 (Success x 5 at target 6)
[Vanessa Novotny] [Just for kicks...]
Dice Rolled:[ 7 d10 ] 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Failure at target 8)
[Jarod Nightingale] Were this almost any other kind of prize, Jarod would have been inclined to simply flick his tail and turn his nose up at it, despite what he'd said a few days ago, and despite what Ashley was saying to him now. As it was, he didn't really respond to mention of the library now.
Ashley realized that she'd been acting irrationally, and the look that Jarod gave her then suggested that he very much agreed with her.
"I know you didn't mean it. You said it because you were angry, and you wanted to hurt me." (He would not admit that she had.) "And really... you don't owe me anything, here. I'm not your mentor. I'm not your cabal-mate. I'm not your boyfriend. I'm not even really your friend. I'm just some guy who drives you crazy and who you fuck sometimes. If you want to act like a bitch, then act like one. Just be aware that there are things that you can say to people that will completely destroy any semblance of trust they might have had. I imagine that's probably what you'd had in mind when you said it. Luckily for me, I'm not stupid enough to trust people I don't know very well." (It was debatable that he ever trusted anyone at all.)
For all that Ashley had clearly upset him that evening, and as angry as he'd been when he'd found her here, Jarod seemed remarkably calm now. Perhaps he wasn't as invested in all of this as she might have thought. Perhaps he'd learned a bit of the Akashic zen when he'd lived in China. Perhaps he was just emotionally drained these days, and couldn't work up the energy to care. Or... maybe he was just very good at pretending to be okay when he wasn't. He looked calm. He sounded calm. But his words were... a bit nihilistic. That was a troublesome thing, and indicative of a worldview that generally assumed that other people were selfish and cruel, and that they wanted to use him as much as (or even more than) he wanted to use them. He'd said something like that to Emily once - that he'd learned how to not care when he'd realized that nobody cared about him.
And she had pulled away - wounded and afraid. Because it wasn't a pleasant thing to hear. And that had actually hurt him more than Ashley ever had, but it didn't really matter now. None of it did. This was how the world worked - people came together, and then they broke apart.
"Anyway, I have to take my extremely troublesome friend out to lunch, where I will probably have to listen to him tell me about his sexually disinterested, workaholic boyfriend for the next hour. So... thank you, I guess, for the apology. And if I don't see you, have a good holiday."
[Vanessa Novotny] Jarod seems a lot calmer than Ashley feels right now, but then again, if he hadn't stalked out and refused to talk to her she might not have thought that she'd hurt him at all. He was calm then too, for the most part, and hers is the more vulnerable position right now, in the way that she's offering a part of herself forward. Jarod is, all told, taking this apology with much more grace than is required of him. Ashley knows that; it doesn't make it any easier (the opposite, in fact.)
She listens to what he says, and that she wanted to hurt him, well, that isn't untrue: she'd been hurt and wanted to lash back. It was self-destructive, conscious or not - because it is, after all, easier to choose than it is to deal with a loss one is helpless to prevent (and she's had a lot of those, especially lately.) That isn't the way Ashley is naturally, though. Perhaps this was something of a wakeup call, even if it came with a price. He tells her that there are things that can be said to destroy someone's trust, and she bows her head a little, looking down at her folded arms, and her hair falls over her face.
"I know I don't owe you anything," she says. "I said all of that because you are my friend. Regardless of whether I'm yours." And then her head lifts enough for her to give him a Look, firm and a touch defiant: her mind is made up on that, at least.
She just nods when he thanks her, and his wish for a good holiday is followed up with an earnest, "You too." In spite of the fact that a good holiday is unlikely, probably for both of them. There are a lot of absences to cover up this year, new holes and fresh wounds on the part of both of them. Her eyes follow him when he leaves, and then after a sigh, she gathers herself up and gives Jarod and Nick a few minutes to leave the building before she leaves the lounge herself.
But there's no need for her to mention that. It isn't the time, and regardless of how this went today or what happens from here with him or with anyone else, Kage will be around for Christmas and it's more than she had at this time last year. She's going to help Israel later.
It's a night for hunger. Somewhere, out of it, she'll be expected to dredge up hope. Or, at least, Will. They're not the same thing, but she can pretend.
[Jarod Nightingale] She said that she'd said all of that because he was her friend, whether he wanted to believe it or not, and maybe this got through somewhere, because there was pain that accompanied it. It was always easier not to be hurt when one could disassociate from the cause. A stranger shouting something offensive was much easier to brush aside than a friend doing the same. There was more to it than that, though. It was... complicated. It hurt to have people say that they cared about him. It always hurt, for some reason that he could never entirely explain.
And he looked a little sad, when he turned and left the room. As if maybe he wanted to cry - but of course, he didn't.
Tonight was the winter solstice, and there was probably no one in Chicago who gave the occasion more meaning than he did (except perhaps Kae - who was... who knows where, but probably not in the city.) In a few hours, he wouldn't be in Chicago anymore. He'd be somewhere else. Somewhere quiet, and beautiful, and familiar, and cold in a way that sharpened and clarified rather than numbed. But until then, he'd distract himself with Nick, who he was angry with, but who was still, nonetheless... someone that he cared about.
And after awhile he might even stop trying to pretend that he was okay.
